As a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, many of my therapy conversations with families that I work with turn to the topic of how children are dealing with divorce and custody. As adults, it is infinitely clear how common the rate of divorce is. One of the harder moments of parenting truth is realized that choices made by the adults will be lived out in after effects by the children's daily lives. Plain and simple, children don't marry nor divorce; but yet a significant percentage of every school desks in our country seat children who are from a divorced family.
This is somewhat parallel to the Social Security predicament of the United States, when it was announced that the generation of a certain age should not count on receiving Social Security checks for retirement. The money just won't be there, it will run its course, and sadly- although I am still having it taken out of my payroll check, I can't count on it this money to be there at the end. It isn't that the system is bad, or the money is more valuable to one person or another, or that I don't deserve to receive it. No, it was just that the Social Security system didn't go quite as planned, for as long as everyone had counted on, and it will end, and I got the end of the stick.
I remember watching former President Bush gives this speech, and he said something to the effect of: "...people who are under a certain age- you should not count on receiving a Social Security check. You need to make other retirement plans. There will not be any money for you this way; so plan accordingly."
Sure, I was mad and aggravated, and it felt unfair that I still had to keep paying although I wouldn't receive anything when I was "old and gray". But, I do remember thinking, "Well, at least he told us. It is better to know now than to find out later, when I really need it."
The point of this comparison, is that parents who are helping their children work through divorce and custody issues should always aim for Honesty, and Planning Ahead for a Changed Future. Of course, neither parent should ever take Honesty as a open forum for bashing, berating, and/or digging up unnecessary or age- inappropriate details. But, Honesty is important to use in conversations with the children for information on financial or housing changes, remarriages, and availability to be at school or extra-curricular events due to custody agreements.
So, the kids know the divorce is taking place, and that their time will be spent differently. Some kids have a harder time letting go of the old way, and some parents have a hard time planning a changed future. Holiday get-togethers and traditions may look very different now, as to the location and who is present or absent. Parents taking the route of Planning Ahead for a Changed Future will allow their children the confidence to not fear what is unknown. Remove the fear with information and plans as to what will be replaced, changed, or removed. It is much scary to a child to hear, "I don't know what we are going to do now, but I love you" as compared to "I love you, and here is what we are going to do about this change..." If you don't know how to plan ahead, seek a counselor or trusted family member. If your child feels you can plan the changed future ahead, they may take on the emotional burden of feeling the need to take care of it all themselves.
Children are indeed resilient, they do bounce back faster than adults- it is quite remarkable actually! But, don't let it fool you that their springiness is the same things as their ability to work through divorce and custody emotional issues on their own. As a divorced parent, when you aren't sure the next step in helping your child, start with Honesty and Planning Ahead for a Changed Future. It will give you solidarity, strength, and confidence that you will be able to provide a healthier emotional investment in your child's long-term future holdings.
Annie K. Jung is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC) in Brentwood, CA. Her private practice specialized in mental health therapy for children, teens, and families and is located within the non-profit Awakening Center. She can be reached at akjcounseling@yahoo.com.
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